Chairman and Chief Executive Gregg Steinhafel wrote to employees on Thursday to say the company was “genuinely sorry” that the donation upset some employees.

Steinhafel also said Target would set up a review process for future political donations.

Target gave $150,000 to MN Forward, a group that is running ads for a Republican gubernatorial candidate who opposes gay marriage.

I sat down with Basic Rights Oregon’s (BRO) Executive Director Jeana Frazzini and Development Coordinator Juan Martinez to discuss what their strategy was for the 2012 election in Oregon, regarding marriage equality. This interview was done just as the Prop 8 case in California was kicking off. After discussing id Magazine and what we were looking to do, we jumped into our discussion:

id Magazine: Our theme for our issue is “Gay Marriage…Where Oregon is Headed” and we thought BRO would be the best place to start. Mostly because we’d like to shed light on your strategy and answer a few questions the community at large has.

Jeana Frazzini: I think it’s really timely, especially considering that just this week the challenge to Prop 8 in California kicked off. It’ll be interesting to follow it, as that process unfolds. It’s definitely going to be a long process, as we have learned from our own marriage court case here.

I don’t know if you know that Juan and his partner Byron were the lead plaintiffs.

How was that, it must of been pretty trying.

Juan Martinez: It was…it was something that I had never done in my life. To be outspoken about my life, you know my personal situation, my relationship. To tell our stories to a wider audience. This whole thing started in 2005, which is when we agreed to sign on as plaintiffs. It made me nervous at first, but Byron and I talked and talked about it over and over again. We both agreed this was an opportunity to stand up for what was right. To take this chance to help make a difference in any way that we could.

Because he and I are committed as a couple and we want to have the rights that come along with marriage equality. We truly believe in that and we won’t settle for anything less. We love each other so much and we want to take care of each other in every way that we can. so that’s why we stuck it out for the four years the lawsuit took it’s course. It just wrapped up the beginning of last year, when we were denied appellate level.

Frazzini: It’s interesting because the fact that the Oregon Supreme Court refused to hear the case Martinez vs. Kulongoski is in part in answer to your question, how did we land at the decision to appeal the marriage amendment in 2012, the decision and the timeline is because of what’s possible here. Last year, it was incredibly exciting to see the progress that was made, just by some of the setbacks around the country. Places like Iowa where there’s marriage equality now and Connecticut, New Hampshire and so forth.

In Oregon we have our own unique path, we don’t have the opportunity to address the issue in the courts. That door closed to us with the Martinez case being refused by the Supreme Court. We don’t have a legislator that can do this for us, it’s enshrined in the constitution that marriage is between one man and one woman. So the only way to undo that is with a public vote. The voters are going to have to amend the constitution to create marriage equality. That is something that has not been attempted anywhere in the country, to bring a proactive marriage equality measure will be something new.

It’s always been on our opposition’s timeline, it’s always been in the heat of having to defend ourselves; whether it was the marriage amendment in 2004 or any of the awful anti-gay ballot measures that faced in Oregon for 20 years. This is really the first time where we get to lay the groundwork and do this on our terms. It’s clear that, for us, it is important to take the time to lay a strong foundation of support, to not rush into a political fight when we know that in order to change people’s hearts and minds, they have to have this space and the opportunity to have heartfelt conversations with the people in their lives about why marriage matters; what it means to care for someone, to love and commit to somebody for the rest of your life, and to do the tough work of changing hearts and minds so that we get to a place where we’ve got the majority of the public in Oregon behind us.

2012 is in some ways trying to strike that balance of the urgency of securing the freedom to marry for our families, and at the same time to taking the time necessary to do that in a way that we know we can succeed. There are also considerations like the fact that it’s a Presidential election year and you get a much stronger progressive turnout at the ballot during a Presidential election year. The work started in 2009, the conversations have begun, the community engagement is happening and we’re committed to growing that involvement substantially this year. Getting to the point where we can collect the signatures to put it on the ballot starting in 2011, we’ll need to start that process and see it through to 2012.

Byron Beck, right, Juan Martinez

Frazzini: Well we’re striving to, you know, we are a statewide organization, and I say that knowing what a challenge it is to fulfill. Given the economic times, we’ve been impacted like everyone else so we have left a couple of key positions open that we’re now hoping early this year to refill one of those positions is our organizer based in Eugene. We have volunteer teams in five counties; we have organizers who are assigned work that touches pretty much every region of the state. I travel the state a couple times a year; we do both community events that are kind of a garden party series. We also meet with editorial boards of newspapers; we work to get out to all of the Pride celebrations that are happening around the state. It will take engagement in every one of our 36 counties to run a proactive ballot measure campaign on marriage equality.

One of the questions I’ve had is how are we going to flip the message from a religious battle and flip it on it’s ear and approach it from being a human rights issue?

Frazzini: I think that the way that we address, first of all we have for far too long we’ve let our opposition define what the position of communities of faith are. We need to lift up the voices of fair-minded communities of faith and there are plenty that recognize the full humanity gay and transgender people.

Yes! We see them in the Pride parade: probably the largest section of the parade.

Frazzini: Yeah, waves upon waves of them, I know! It’s wonderful. The truth is that this issue is not about winning a logical argument or debate; it’s about connecting with people with the values we all share. It’s about love, it’s about commitment, it’s about that marriage says we’re family like no other word. Marriage establishes a child’s place in the world. We have not had the honest conversation about what marriage means outside of a political battle, so people have made decisions about our lives based on political rhetoric and being forced to choose on the marriage amendment in the span of three or four months. What we’re talking about is in some ways incredibly revolutionary and very challenging, which is: Folks, we’ve got three years before this question comes up as a political yes or no question.

We’ve got to take the time starting now to start the conversation and to say to the people in our lives who – we maybe don’t know where they’re at on this issue or maybe we’re afraid and we know they’re not with us and we want to change that – it is up to each one of us whether we’re gay or straight for our loved ones and our allies, our friends and family who are not LGBT identified who get that this is an issue of fundamental fairness and it’s about love. We need to have those conversations so that the people in our lives are making a thoughtful decision knowing what it means to us in advance of a political decision on a ballot campaign.

Martinez: This past summer we had the opportunity to knock on doors to have conversations, face-to-face conversations with voters here in Portland, in five counties. I was working in the Metro area here, and it was interesting to have conversations with people who come from very traditional religious background saying to me that, “Well, marriage, marriage is a religious sanctimony (this should be sacrament, but if it’s a quote and you want to leave it put (sic) after it)…” and this and that. Just taking the moment to ask them, “So it sounds like you really care about the ability to take care of your family, to love the ones that you love and to provide for your family any way, shape or form.”

We need to make that connection, to make them understand that we want the same thing that everyone else has and wholly deserves to have. So it was interesting, they weren’t saying, “Leave my doorway,” they were taking the literature and saying, “You know what, I’m going to think about this. I still hold my position, and I appreciate the conversation.” That was my experience and that is what gives me hope that this educational campaign has what it takes to really change hearts and minds.

Frazzini: Yes, and I think at the same time it’s important to emphasize that the freedom to marry does not in any way, shape or form interfere with the freedom of religion. Today if you had a Jewish couple knock on the door of the Catholic church and say, “We want to be married in your church,” it’s fully within the church’s right to say, “I’m sorry, but we will only provide a marriage ceremony for folks who are members of our church, our denomination,” right? So that would apply with allowing same sex couples the right to legally marry in Oregon, it would change no church’s right to say, “This is not within our beliefs, we can’t perform a marriage of a same sex couple.” Nothing in the freedom of religion would change should the change to fully recognize our families. That’s a critical distinction, because there is a clear difference between marriage within the context of a religious ceremony and marriage within the context of the legal rights and responsibilities that our government controls.

Yes, and I recall many times hearing friends, celebrities etc. say, “Oh I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that our commitment is for real. It’s just a piece of paper.” Now, I understand as do a lot of the public, no it’s not just a piece of paper. There’re tons of rights and privileges that come with it. There are what, 2,200 rights it grants married couples?

Frazzini: I can’t recall, but I think on the state level it’s about 500 and the federal level it’s about 1,200 legal rights and responsibilities that come along with it. It certainly differs a little bit from state to state. It is significant both in terms of the legal protections, but also the respect and dignity that comes with marriage. The truth is that marriage is not for everyone, the issue overall is not necessarily the top issue for everyone in the LGBT community, that’s really clear.

The bottom line is that it is an issue of fundamental fairness; it is an issue in which it is one of the few remaining places in law where there is an explicit law exception where one group of people is treated differently under the law than another. That’s not to say there’re not all sorts of forms of discrimination that continue to persist in our society from racism to classicism and ageism. But this is about it when you look at the letter of the law, we’re saying as a state in our constitution that everybody enjoys the same rights and privileges in the State of Oregon, except for same sex couples and their families, somehow your commitment doesn’t meet the muster, and that’s not right.

Do you think that…I know with Maine one of things that came up was that quite a few bloggers and people were upset by the fact that the National DNC didn’t do more to help that campaign. I know it differs from state to state on how much support you get, but do you think because it’s a Presidential election that we will have a spotlight on us and we will get that support we need?

Frazzini: Right. I think that I am concerned at what I understand was the case in Maine, where the organizers on the ground for the national democratic party were not engaging in that campaign. It’s something that as we look to build the strongest possible coalition for the work here in Oregon that we’ll be working to build relationships and find ways to partner. Whether it’s with the DNC groups or our partners in Oregon progressive movement more broadly. I will say that we do have strong support within Oregon’s democratic party, there’s already strong support at the state and county level. We’re seeing marriage equality resolutions passed by the boards, which is really exciting.

I don’t expect, this has got to be a community effort, there’s not one organization that’s going to take care of this. It’s a community responsibility and that goes for at the organizational level and the individual level. I think we all have a personal responsibility regardless of how we identify to right this wrong. I think we will continue to see this effort build and gain momentum and see more visibility for the broad support that the freedom to marry has in Oregon. I think that’s what’s going to get us to a place where 2012 is a realistic time for a ballot campaign.

That is going to be the way this is going to be won, the one-on-one conversations, winning the hearts and minds.

Frazzini: Yes…Actually we have some incredible tools that we’d love to share with your readers, given your presence online, the ability to link to this stuff is wonderful we have the MarriageMattersOregon.org

id Mag: Yes! We found that…Thank you, we’re certainly sharing those with our readers. Thank you both for taking the time for us!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. One of my jobs with id Magazine is to talk to and meet many people and most importantly…listen. One story I have heard in the past six months that I just don’t quite understand is this: Men who’ve been married for 15, 20 and 25 years, finally come out of the closet. Not effortlessly, and that’s the sad part.

One story I heard a month ago was of a 20 year marriage. The man came out and then asked his wife to cover for him for a number of years…to continue to live the lie. I can’t imagine what this does on the psyche of a person, let alone both of them. Keeping this hidden from view, and the wife going along with keeping the secret for a number of years astounds me. It also reminds me of enormity of the work we have to do.

The media and society have always questioned the importance of coming out and Gay Pride events. “I don’t want to know what you do in the bedroom, I don’t tell you what I do, and why do you have to prance around and be proud about it?” they say. These types of stories and hardships are what it’s all about. We have to endure a lot of pain, emotional turmoil, and heal a good crop of scars dealt us as children and young adults. Those who ask those questions haven’t heard of the long journey it can take one to be accepting of their sexuality. If they have, they’ve pushed it aside and ignored it.

I’m sure we could could fill volumes upon volumes of warehouses with all of your stories alone. This my friends will be how we as a community can turn the tide on so many fronts, marriage equality being one of them. With Basic Rights Oregon’s Marriage Matter to Me Oregon campaign, I’m hoping that the conversations we have across the state spark the process for some to come out and live a life of peace with themselves. We’re bound to connect with many who are still in the closet. Winning the hearts and minds of our state is the only way we’ll get marriage equality in Oregon, and it will also be the way to assist our state to be a more accepting place for people to live their lives being true to themselves. Yes, it be fabulous to duplicate the movie “Too Wong Foo, Thank You for Everything, Julie Newmar” into reality, but that isn’t likely.

That is one of the reasons we created id Magazine. To put a face on our community and eventually get it into the hands of many around the state, making a connection with people, and give those who are tortured with their sexuality or indifference a ray of hope of being accepted for who they are. There are LGBT people in Bend, Scio, Klamath Falls, Redmond and Medford. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be gay in Scio. However, id Magazine isn’t restricted to LGBT people, we include our allies as much as we can, and we don’t demand that everything has to have a “Gay Angle” in order to be in the magazine. We want to reach everybody, Gay, Straight, Purple, Brown, Green or Orange.

On a grander scale, you can see this same fear from corporations, T.V. shows like American Idol, and Hollywood in general. Adam Lambert is the first (as far as I can recall) singer who has been openly gay from the gate, only to rocket to superstar status. Yet even his handlers made it clear of their fears when saying about the OUT 100 cover, “Oh, well, he can be on the cover, but only if there’s a straight person on the cover too. And it can’t be too gay.” Is there even such a thing with Lambert? Too gay?! WTF? We’re gaining some ground though on this front. When Wendy Williams on The Wendy Williams Show proclaims, “Oh honey! Coming out gay or bisexual isn’t shocking anymore! You have to come harder to really get our attention!” you can get a glimpse of our future. Still, you don’t see Ian McKellen in a romantic lead in a blockbuster. We still wonder who’s gay in Hollywood, but we have some stars who are brave enough to weather what storm they may experience in coming out. Neil Patrick Harris is a prime example. He’s still capable and believable as a womanizer on “How I met Your Mother” and is quite successful.

We’re fortunate to live in Portland, Oregon. We don’t have to worry about being found out, we can pretty much live out and proud. Well, except for those who’s story I mentioned in the beginning. For most of us, we live in a nice accepting bubble of society. Go beyond Portland, Eugene and Astoria and you begin to run into territory where our bubble bursts. Yet even in Portland people are afraid to hold hands down the sidewalk, unless you’re on NW 23rd. We’re not that OK with repercussions yet and even in Portland we have work to do.

Here’s my question for you: Will Gay ever be OK, and if you think so, why? How? What are you doing to make it happen?

id Magazine, preferred providers and partners presents our Marriage Matters Sweepstakes! Every week we will pick winners for our daily and weekly drawings, with a grand prize winner being picked on March 31, 2010. Anyone can enter, but please read the rules. If you’re a business and would like to participate, contact us here to find out how.

Why are we doing this? We want everyone to know about Basic Rights Oregon’s (BRO) campaign Marriage Matters to Me Oregon, and what better way to shine a light on them than throwing a party with valuable prizes? We encourage you to enter and go over to BRO’s site, donate your time or money and create a video!

What are the prizes?

New Daily and Weekly prizes will be added on a daily basis, but for the start, here are the prizes up for grabs:

Premium Portrait Session from mon Amour Photography: a 45-90 minute portrait session and $50 credit towards any print selections. Several of these are up for the drawings.

Identity Crisis! 50 Redesigns That Transformed Stale Identities into Successful Brands – Book, Signed Copy of Jeff Fisher’s second authored book. Brief description: Identity design (logos, letterhead, web sites, etc.) is one of the most popular topics in design books, and Identity Crisis takes a fresh look at this common subject by exploring the process of redesigning existing identities to help businesses refine their images, communicate with customers, and find success.

Readers will get an inside look at the challenges of redesigning identities. They’ll see the creative and strategic thinking behind fresh design work as well as have a powerful tool to show clients what a difference a professional can make to their image.

3 Yoga Classes*from Manifest Men’s Wellness Center

3 – 60 minute professional life transition coaching sessions. $675 Value! Will Wiebe is a Professional Life Transition Strategist, transformational speaker, facilitator, human development and team effectiveness trainer. Whether working with individuals or groups, Will brings wisdom and compassion to the process of coaching. His collaborative and compassionate approach to coaching develops a powerful alliance with individuals and groups.

Life Transition Coaching guides individuals and organizations to effect positive change. Will Wiebe’s coaching is grounded in his intuitive gift of guiding others through a process of self-discovery. Will’s coaching skills assist clients to un-lock their full potential. His coaching process provides a life-expanding environment for life/work balance and change.

Grand Prize 16GB Apple iPad with Wifi+3G

How do I enter to Win?

For our general daily, weekly drawings and grand prize drawings we have several ways to enter:

For Daily/Weekly Prize Drawings

1. Become a fan of id Magazine on Facebook.

2. Twitter a tweet with the hashtag of #MarriageMatters

3. Follow id Magazine on Twitter.

4. Subscribe to our RSS site feed (Click the big orange circle in the farthest right column, next to our Twitter icon.)

Grand Prize Entry – Write or Raffle

Write a brief 300 word piece on why Marriage Matters to you, or a Marriage Equality story and post it here. Your story can be more than 300, but no less. This prize is limited to residents of Oregon. There are no sexuality trait restrictions – straight, gay, lesbian, Bi, Transgender, Queer, In-Transition and everyone else in between are qualified to enter. The piece can be about many things, everyone is affected by marriage equality in one form or another: you may have friends or relatives that have a story about marriage equality or lack thereof.

TOO BUSY? – Buy a raffle ticket!

Rules

All of these entry options are one time entry only, but #2 can enter you into the daily/weekly drawings up to three times a day. Grand Prize entry can be entered once by a story submitted (awarding you 20 points) or up to 20 times with a raffle ticket. All winners must be Oregon residents. For stories submitted, 20 raffle ticket points will be awarded and put into the drawing bin on March 31, 2010. Prizes will be awrded every Monday and Friday (with some surprise dates thrown in for fun!) Sweepstakes is being run by Whiplash Design, some rules and restrictions are subject to change.Contact us here with any questions.

*Because this non-profit is male focused, this prize can only be redeemed by male participants, but anyone can win it. Give it as a gift to you favorite man in your life!

Stress is a normal condition we all experience. Stress can be an outcome of a positive situation (getting ready for a party, first date, visiting a friend) and from a negative experience (job loss, fight with a partner, rejection). Stress is not necessarily a “good” or “bad” thing, what really matters is how we handle stress. Possibly one of the more stressful issues our community has encountered has been the passage of anti-GLBT legislation and ballot measures. Given the national reaction to the passage of Prop 8 in California, it can hardly be surprising that the impact of these measures is significant not only to our civil rights, but to our emotional and mental well being.

There have been some interesting findings in current research about the impact of anti same-sex marriage amendments have had on the psychological wellbeing of GLBT adults and their families. The January 2009 issue of the Journal of Counseling Psychology focused on advances being made in the area of research involving sexual minorities. Three studies in the issue focus specifically on the impact anti-GLBT legislation has on our families and on ourselves. These studies provide empirical evidence of the harmful psychological and emotional effects these measures have on GLBT individuals, their families and supporters. Feelings of being excluded from society and invalidation of their relationships were very common among GLBT individuals. Insecurity; both physical, financial and emotional were also strongly experienced by GLBT adults whose states have passed anti-GLBT legislation. Our families and community supporters reported feelings of worry and concern about the GLBT friends and family members. Furthermore, they felt ashamed and that their values were in sharp contrast with those who supported anti-gay legislation. They also reported feeling equally under attack and experienced rejection by others for being a GLBT family member. Some participants reported strong negative consequences to their mental and physical health and wellbeing.

First it’s important to understand how you experience stress; some of us may withdraw, others become fidgety and restless. What is important is that you have enough insight and self-awareness to know when you are stressed. Frequently, you know this by considering how your thoughts and behaviors are different when you are stressed and when you are not stressed. In order to determine how your thoughts and behaviors differ under stressful and non-stressful situations, you need to identify sources of stress. This involves learning your own stress signals. These signals are unique to you, others may be able to identify external signals of when you are stressed – or when they think you are stressed – but only you can be aware of your internal signals. Do you have a harder time concentrating? Do you feel tension in your jaw, neck, shoulders or elsewhere? Sex drive decreased? More irritable than usual? These are fairly obvious internal triggers. Take time to get to know yourself well enough to be aware of the internal triggers before the stress and your reaction to it becomes unhealthy.

In order to identify triggers, it is important to identify your sources of stress. Try to identify the sources as non-judgmentally as possible. If the loved ones in your life are a source of stress; that does not mean you don’t love them and enjoy their company. It simply means that, from time to time, the positive parts of our lives can be as stressful as the negative ones. Sometimes these sources are situational. Maybe you find something more stressful during a time of day or when you have too many other commitments to attend to.

Finally, recognizing how you currently deal with stress is as important as the other steps previously mentioned. Do you find yourself using unhealthy behaviors such drinking too much, or ‘stress’ eating? Perhaps previously constructive ways of dealing with stress have become unhealthy or just unhelpful. Unhealthy behaviors develop over time and can be difficulty to change. When adopting different, more healthful behaviors in response to stress, don’t let the process of change become a stressful event. The act of positive self-care is the best way of handling and reducing stress.

Seeking and maintaining positive relationships and social support can help mitigate the negative impact of distressing events such as the passing of Proposition 8 in California. Counseling from a professional counselor or psychologist who is aware of the impact these issues have on GLBT individuals and their families have in real terms can also be beneficial.
Effective strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety:

Most mental health and medical professionals agree that getting enough exercise and sleep help people deal with stress and anxiety. Just as you may schedule a date, an appointment with your doctor or therapist, schedule time in your day to get at least 30 – 45 minutes of exercise each day. This could be walking instead of driving taking a bus, using the stairs as opposed to the elevator and even sexual activity (when done safely) can help reduce stress.
As mentioned earlier, having positive relationships with others also helps people cope with stressful moments.

Studies have shown that people who have close friendships with others are both mentally and physically healthier. If you think about this, it’s fairly obvious. If you have someone you know you can turn to, knowing that you’re liked and loved, you usually feel better about yourself and the world around you. Openly communicating with someone that you are feeling stressed out or that you are experiencing anxiety about something builds trust, self-confidence and self-efficacy.

Developing and maintaining a healthy sense of humor is very useful. Not to suggest that you should make light of serious situations, but most situations which garner mild to moderate feelings of stress or anxiety may have a aspect to them that can be dealt with in a humorous fashion.

So, let’s say you have friends, a lover and can sometimes laugh things off but still feel overwhelmed by specific situations that create feelings of stress and anxiety. An effective strategy used in most therapeutic settings is called stress inoculation. Though it is a technique that should be done with a mental health professional for clinically significant symptoms of anxiety and depression. Here I will outline a simpler overview of stress inoculation for those experiencing milder forms of stress and anxiety.

1. Identify a specific situation or event that you frequently experience stress and anxiety. Common examples are talking to an ex, checking e-mail on Monday (or after an extended absence), dealing with difficult co-workers.

2. When you think about and experience the event, take note of your self-talk. Self-talk is the things we say to ourselves about another person, another event or ourselves. Chances are when you are feeling stressed or anxious, you’re probably saying things like: “I can’t do this.” “I hate having to do (fill in the blank)” “Why does this person have to be so annoying?” and probably other things.

3. Think back to similar situations that you handled well. If you can’t think of any, consider – in realistic terms – what you could have done better. Even one small lesson can impact how you handle a previously challenging situation.

4. Create a list of positive words or reminders of how you can face the challenging situation. Such phrases can be “I’ve handled this in the past and did well.” “I will do the best I can for this given situation on this given day.” Come up with positive, realistic and rational self-talk that can over-ride your usual negative or anxiety producing self-talk.

5. Studies have shown that when you visualize yourself in a situation ahead of time your performance improves. Mentally visualize yourself in the situation. Guide yourself through your thoughts, feelings, interactions and how you will anticipate and reduce anxiety producing situations.

6. When you are presented with the stressful event, remind yourself that you are already prepared. Begin by reminding yourself that you have handled similar events well before. Relax knowing that you’ve been through this, not only through previous events, but in your mind as well.

7. Once the event is finished, immediately focus on the things you did well, even if it’s small and to others insignificant. You create your own definition of success. Of course, pay attention to thing you could have done better. The whole thing about life is that we have opportunities to do things better. Don’t obsess on what you did wrong, just learn from the mistakes and acknowledge what you did well.

8. Create small, healthy rewards. Walk around the block. Stare out the window. Do something that is brief and rewarding.

These are some helpful guidelines for handling life’s everyday stressors. I hope you have found them helpful. I’m tempted to end this article with a “this is my first article with id Magazine” but that’s true for all of us writing this first edition. I’d like to close with how I envision this space will be used. I’m not going to be the advice columnist, we have one and Mike will do a fabulous job. My goal is to look at the issues that impact our emotional and physical well being, check out the research and make it applicable to our everyday lives. I look forward to working on the evolution of id Magazine and my portion of it.

David Devine, MS is Mental Health Clinician with the Vancouver Coastal Health Authority in Richmond, British Columbia. A former Portland, OR resident he received his MS in Psychology from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology and his BA from Reed College.

A year ago I knew what went wrong and I knew how to fix it.

And we still lost… Julia Rosen, Online Political Director,The Courage Campaign

Oregonians knew all to well what Maine LGBT residents were going through last November when voters rejected the law that allow same-sex couples to marry.The pain and agony of Measure 36 all came flooding back.What are we to make of that outcome? Why is Oregon not moving to make gay marriage legal here? Will the same result be replayed with a 2012 vote in Oregon? No…unless we sit on the sidelines.

Fortunately for the Oregon LGBT community, whether you know it or not, there is work being done on getting this done in Oregon, and together, we have three years to hustle and do something about it.We sat down with Jeana Frazzini, Executive Director of Basic Rights Oregon (BRO,) development coordinator for BRO Juan Martinez, and three couples from the community who have married, regardless of law. What we found are inspiring stories of courage, determination, and a strategy by a strong organization that will bring us closer to marriage equality than ever before.

The strategy is as simple as having a conversation and as tricky as confronting friction of opposing views. BRO has launched a campaign that, at its heart, begins with having as many one-on- one conversations as we possibly can. It is unique and right now, the only option we have since our past attempts have failed us.The Martinez v Kulongoski court case (see side panel) that would have circumvented Measure 36, was refused to be heard by the Supreme Court after five long years.

Frazzini explains…
“In Oregon we have our own unique path; we don’t have the opportunity to address the issue in the courts.That door closed to us with the Martinez case being refused by the Supreme Court.We don’t have a legislator that can do this for us, it’s enshrined in the constitution that marriage is between one man and one woman.

So the only way to undo that is with a public vote.The voters are going to have to amend the constitution to create marriage equality.That is something that has not been attempted anywhere in the country; to bring a proactive marriage equality measure will be something new.”

When asked how this approach is different from the past, Frazzini said,“It’s always been on our opposition’s timeline, it’s always been in the heat of having to defend ourselves; whether it was the marriage amendment in 2004 or any of the awful anti- gay ballot measures that faced (surface?) in Oregon for 20 years. This is really the first time where we get to lay the groundwork and do this on our terms.

It’s clear that, for us, to take the time to lay a strong foundation of support, to not rush into a political fight when we know that in order to change people’s hearts and minds, they have to have this space and the opportunity to have heartfelt conversations with the people in their lives about why marriage matters; what it means to care for someone, to love and commit to somebody for the rest of your life, and to do the tough work of changing hearts and minds so that we get to a place where we’ve got the majority of the public in Oregon behind us.”

Changing hearts and minds is the best tool we have and doing it with an all-county approach could give us a victory, a strategy the current administration took to win the presidency.What we gathered from our meeting with BRO is that it will take all of us and our allies stepping out of our comfort zones and possibly going out of town to do the work that needs to be done. Though uncomfortable at times, BRO has proved it can be done. How do you start a conversation with a stranger?

Martinez shared,“Last summer we had the opportunity to knock on doors to have conversations, face-to-face conversations with voters here in Portland, in five counties. I was working in the Metro area here, and it was interesting.

To have conversations with people who come from very traditional religious background saying to me that, ‘Well, marriage is a religious sanctimony…’ and this and that. Just taking the moment to ask them,‘So it sounds like you really care about the ability to take care of your family, to love the ones that you love and to provide for your family any way, shape or form.’

To make that connection, to make them understand that we want the same thing that everyone else has and wholly deserves to have. So it was interesting, they weren’t saying, ‘Leave my doorway,’ they were taking the literature and saying, “You know what, I’m going to think about this. I still hold my position, and I appreciate the conversation.” That was my experience and that is what gives me hope that this educational campaign has what it takes to really change hearts and minds.”

There is no better place to start than your close family and friends.The process however can be bittersweet at times. Rich Mundy and Kevin Long of Portland didn’t get a marriage license in 2004, but they did have a ceremony.With the help of a friend, they used the opportunity to educate their own families. Mundy recalled,

“We had my friend Jan, I asked her to write a little speech about the path that we have taken as gay people, and obtaining equal rights and about marriages. So she started with all the ways you can define marriage, what it used to be about years and years ago.What it was like in the 50’s. It was kind of a way to educate our families.
That, you know, everybody doesn’t have this right.We don’t right now, we’re not really married, because we can’t. But, we’re doing this.That was our way to try and educate them about the situation.”

When asked about their family and if theirs is supportive of their relationship, Mundy said,
“Yes. It took them a while to come around and understand it. Maybe they still don’t understand it, but they’re supportive. Because now they can put a face with who I’m living with and who I’m seeing and he’s in my life. Before, My family lives in Ohio so they really can’t come out and visit. So they didn’t really know who was in my life – they’d hear me talk about certain people. But now they know Kevin and they love Kevin, he’s normal, he’s not some weird freak. (Kevin laughs)

It’s easier for them to accept it, although I don’t know if they still quite understand it. My mother’s 85, she thinks denial is the best way to deal with everything. My dad passed away about 15 years ago, so I didn’t have to deal with it with him.”

Long gave his perspective,

“My family’s very religious, my parents are, not my siblings so much. I think it was, like Rich said, initially they didn’t like what I was. But when they put a face to it and saw what we meant to each other, I think that changes a lot of perceptions.”

Jeff and Ed’s wedding ceremony at Theatre! Theater! Front, Jeff Fisher Left, Ed Cunningham Right; Back Tim and Kristin Kelly Photo by Rich Krummel

“Because, sh*t happens, it’s bizarre I have had no contact with my parents since our wedding day.Well, no contact with my dad…I’ve had limited contact with my mother. My parents have been incredibly supportive of our relationship for 14 years.At least…that’s what we thought.

When we had been together for 10 years, they basically hosted a party for us. My mom prepared the food, my dad helped with everything. My brother and his wife have always been very supportive, we thought. It was really strange.”

Fisher continued,

“I asked Ed,‘So when are my parents getting into town?’ because he had contact with everybody, I’d been gone. He says, ‘It’s really weird, I haven’t heard from them.’ I thought, this is strange…I picked up the phone and called my parents, my mom answered the phone. I said,‘When are you getting into town?’ She said,‘We’re not.’ I said,‘Why aren’t you coming?’ She replied, ‘Well your father won’t let me.’ I said,‘Put dad on the phone for me.’ She said,‘No, he doesn’t want to talk to you about it.’ ‘Well, tell him to call me when he is ready to talk about it,’ I said. It’s been six years.”

Delisse Oritz, left, Liz Tuttle, right. Photography by Rosemary Ragusa, mon Amour Photography

Tuttle’s and Oritz’s work during that time often took them to different parts of the country. Oritz would be in Hawaii and Tuttle would visit when she could.Tuttle worked in various state parks for months at a time. During this period, she was working in California.
“I happened to be working down inYosemite for the summer during that brief period of time when Prop 8 was voted on and but it was still legal.When Delisse came down to visit, we headed to San Francisco and got married there. It just happened to coincide with the celebration we were planning in Portland that November,” Tuttle explained.

Oritz chimed in, “Yeah, it was like I was flying over and she said, “Well, do you just want to go to San Francisco?” I said, “O.K.! Is it legal?” – before all hell broke loose, before November. I did my masters at San Francisco State and some friends, they came over and we went to city hall and had a ceremony. Actually, I should say we got married in San Francisco and had the ceremony in Portland.”

The couple’s story is different certainly unique, but the benefits share a common thread with the other two couple’s stories. Again, we learn that their ceremony had an educational benefit with friends and family. Oritz explained,

“The biggest benefit is more our ceremony than our legal marriage.You know, just having the support of our families and for that recognition. Couples can be around for a very long time. I felt that with the ceremony and the marriage in California, even though it’s only recognized in certain states it was beneficial.”

Tuttle continued,

”Bringing the families totally on board, and friends…I think people walked away from coming to our wedding with a totally new way of looking at marriage. Her family, the people who weren’t as open to the relationship, it really opened their minds instantly. Even though it wasn’t a legal thing…so it’s not really the legal side…the process made everything seem more legitimate.”

For Tuttle and Oritz,Washington D.C. just happened to be the place that met all of their requirements for schools and social issues. D.C. just recently passed a gay marriage law, which, if passed by Congress, their marriage will be recognized from California. Oddly, all the stars seem to align for the couple, with being at the right place at the right time with marriage in San Francisco and now D.C.

As you see from these stories, it can be done. Just from holding a ceremony, even if it wasn’t recognized by law, holds a lot of power and influence.You have tools readily available and BRO has created a site to help you get started.The tools you have right now? Your own stories, and the action steps you will take. These tools (stories) will be used by yourself, BRO, Just Out and id Magazine. Putting a face to the issue makes a massive difference with changing hearts and minds.The evidence is clear that this works, and thankfully we have that as a powerful persuasion tactic.

Our biggest concern is a repeat of Maine, not in losing, but getting wide-spread support from national organizations such as the Democratic Party and HRC. Both of these organizations and their lack of support made the defeat in Maine even more devastating. (We called HRC for comment, but did not receive a call back.) BRO knows that their organization alone can’t find victory in this. Other organizations will be joining them to partner in the campaign.We look forward to speaking with the local Democratic Party and HRC, but it looks like they are on board with BRO and this campaign.

We posed the question to Frazzini,“With the experience in Maine, do you think because it’s a Presidential election that we will have a spotlight on us and we will get that support we need? From HRC or the National Democratic Party?”

“I think that I am concerned at what I understand was the case in Maine, where the organizers on the ground for the National Democratic Party were not engaging in that campaign. It’s something that as we look to build the strongest possible coalition for the work here in Oregon that we’ll be working to build relationships and find ways to partner.Whether it’s with the DNC groups or our partners in Oregon progressive movement more broadly. I will say that we do have strong support within Oregon’s democratic party, there’s already strong support at the state and county level.We’re seeing marriage equality resolutions passed by the boards which is really exciting.”

Frazzini concluded, ”I don’t expect,This has got to be a community effort, there’s not one organization that’s going to take care of this. It’s a community responsibility and that goes for at the organizational level and the individual level. I think we all have a personal responsibility, regardless of how we identify, to right this wrong. I think we will continue to see this effort build and gain momentum and see more visibility for the broad support that the freedom to marry has in Oregon. I think that’s what’s going to get us to a place where 2012 is a realistic time for a ballot campaign.”

We think that gay marriage is the last frontier of civil rights. Our question to you dear reader: What action steps will you take to make this a success? As Frazzini explained, a victory depends not one organization or individual, it will be determined by the caliber in which we take action as a collective force.You can start by going to BRO’s MarriageMattersOregon.org site, sign up to help, or donate.While you’re at it, borrow a web-cam if you have to, record a brief statement by yourself or with your partner on why marriage matters to you.After you’re done, sign the Freedom To Marry Pledge. BRO has several tools there to help you start a conversation, and ways to volunteer and make a difference.Three years may seem like a long time, but don’t be fooled…it will arrive much faster than you imagine, and with your help, we will claim a victory, sidestepping another Maine loss.

If you’d like to learn more and to support this amazing segment of our community, we have provided links to some resources to help.

International Transgender Day of Remembrance

Human Rights Campaign Transgender Rights
Transgender Law Center

By Edward “Ed” Garren, MA, LMFT

You see those ads on TV, “If your anti-depressant alone isn’t enough, maybe you need (an extra pill).” The other one, from a local health research company asks the same question, “If you’re taking an anti-depressant and not finding relief, call (name withheld) Research to see if you qualify for a free clinical research study.”

When I moved here lots of people commented on the “Seasonal Affective Disorder” (rain related depression) and it’s legendary contribution to the Portland lifestyle.

“Your practice will dry up in the summer, everyone is out having fun. As soon as the rain returns, your phone will start ringing” offered one friend, a veteran of the Portland mental health care delivery system.

After I started seeing clients, I began to realize something else, something more cultural might also be a factor.

The week I opened my practice, I had three clients who came within a week, all of them had taken anti-depressants for years and wanted to get off of them. All three reported that they just weren’t working anymore, and all three of them were natives of the Pacific Northwest.
What became apparent over the course of treatment were three things. None of them had ever learned how to express their anger, and in fact, were very uncomfortable with any display of anger, including their own. The culture had taught them to stuff their anger at all costs. They felt trapped in lives of duty, service and politeness. When a situation, or a person ticked them off, they didn’t know what to do, until they exploded, and that scared them.

As they learned some assertiveness, and shed some of their “put everyone else first” beliefs, the need and desire to keep taking those pills evaporated. Within a year, all were off the pills, and a lot happier, finding much more satisfaction in their relationships.
I still have a core of folks in my practice who are getting off their anti-depressants, and so far, with the same predictability.

Anger turned inward becomes depression. What are you angry about?

When I was in high school, there were a lot of “future doomsday” books, with titles like 1984, Brave New World, Level 7, Soylent Green, On the Beach, and later, one of my favorite movies, THX 1138 (George Lucas’ Master’s film for UCLA.) In most of them, part of the Brave New World was the routine ingestion of sedatives, so that the humans would become more like robots, or androids, simply performing their functions, in an efficient and soul-less manner. At the time, it was unthinkable to me that a civilization would offer up it’s very soul in order to have order.

Yet, in 2005, anti-depressants became the most prescribed drug in the United States.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant – Controversy

By some estimates, over 30% of the population is now taking them. The use of them doubled during the last ten years. Most of these new prescriptions are not being made by psychiatrists, but my general practice doctors who have no psychological training. Often, they do not refer the patient for additional counseling, so the patient is just taking pills and hoping things get better.

What is also interesting is that in the last ten to twenty years, more and more people have lost any semblance of control over their lives. The disappearance of good paying jobs, escalating living costs, exaggerated consumer credit interest rates, and other factors have all flowed into the “American way of life” and fewer and fewer people believe they have much control over their future or destiny. And now we have an economic depression as well, further fueling that sense of powerlessness.

I want to be very clear here, I’m not suggesting you flush your pills down the toilet. I’m also not suggesting you make a unilateral decision to stop taking your medication.

But I am asking you to think it out. Has taking medication improved your life? Are you any happier on the meds? Are you also seeing a qualified therapist for counseling? Are you taking an honest look at your life, and what you can do to be more happy and fulfilled? And finally, do you easily connect with your anger inside, and feel comfortable expressing it appropriately when someone violates or offends you?

The decision to take or stop taking any medication is an important one and should not be made without appropriate consultation with your doctor AND a psychotherapist with whom you have a comfortable and honest relationship.

Edward “Ed” Garren, MA, LMFT

*Ed Garren is a psychotherapist in private practice. He has been a Social Justice activist all of his life. In 2008, he ran for Portland City Commission, seat #2

By Edward “Ed” Garren, MA, LMFT

Our community (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Trans, Queer) has a lot going on right now. The lingering question of marriage rights, of the right to serve in the Armed Forces without fear, the ongoing storms of constantly having our dignity and humanity questioned and brought to a vote in ballot initiatives loom over our lives as constant unwanted companions. It’s been 32 years since 1977, when Anita Bryant launched the first “Anti-Gay” ballot initiative in Miami Florida, and that 32 years has been marked by dozens of ballot initiatives, most of which our community has lost. The recent loss of marriage in California underscores our status as “half citizens,” they want our tax money, but they don’t want us to be free.

Add those things to the list of the more daily issues like public display of affection, how to address a partner in public (saying “Honey” out loud in the store) and our significant numbers who are married to women, but seek “NSA action” on the side, and it’s easy to demonstrate that our lives are more complicated than those who live in the mainstream.

I believe that all gay men grow up and live in a constant state of fear. Fear of discovery, fear of rejection, fear of physical violence, the list goes on and on. Many of us can “pass” for straight, but the constant fear of being discovered never really goes away. That constant fear significantly affects our self-esteem and our ability to fight back against those who want us to shut up and go away.

In my private practice, as well as in the social services agencies I’ve worked in, the story is always the same, smart handsome men, who work very hard to “fit in,” often at the cost of our own sense of self, who wonder why we feel empty inside and either self medicate with drugs and alcohol, and/or are taking prescribed anti-depressants. A recent story on ABC News centered on how the use of Anti-Depressant drugs in this country has doubled in the last decade. How many of us have swelled those numbers?

At the height of the HIV plague, before there were the current medicines that slow down the progress of the virus, two actions groups emerged among the dying, those who knew they had only a couple of years left to live.

The first was “Act Up,” with it’s mantra, “Silence equals death / Action equals life.” The second was “Queer Nation” whose slogan was “We’re Queer, We’re here, We’re fabulous, Get used to it.”

I lived in Los Angeles at the time, and one of the direct impacts of these two movements was the explosion of gay men and lesbians into mainstream media. Basically, closeted men who had led quiet and comfortable lives working as producers and directors, lost patience with the status quo and decided to rock the boat before they died. Their actions led to the emergence of gay characters in virtually every aspect of media, television, film, etc. These people decided to go out with dignity, instead of quiet patience that somehow “things would change” on their own.

So now I’m living here in Portland and the status quo includes such attributes as “patience,” “understanding” and being orderly and reserved. People want change, but seem to think that someone else will make it happen, not us.

And I have a steady stream of people in my practice who have been depressed for years.

In this day of anti-depressant drugs, and the belief that depression is “a chemical imbalance in the brain” a couple of basic truths have been lost. The first is that depression is “anger turned inward.” If we can’t express our anger when we are being assaulted (physically or emotionally) then we “stuff it” and get sick, physically, mentally, or both.

The second truth is that if you torment an animal repeatedly, its brain chemistry WILL become imbalanced in order to accommodate the ongoing torment. Part of that accommodation is to create a defense mechanism that makes it okay to live in fear.

We have become experts at denying some basic, and very liberating truths about who we are. We also have a very hard time fighting back, which is the most exhilarating and liberating thing any of us can do.

I have a very simple question I ask myself whenever I need to decide how to deal with a situation that involves my dignity. “Do “straight” people have to do this?”

If the answer is “No,” then I don’t do it either. Life is to short too spend it in half misery, being a half person, in a half world, so that the people who hate us can continue to feel comfortable hating us.

*Ed Garren is a psychotherapist in private practice. He has been a Social Justice activist all of his life. In 2008, he ran for Portland City Commission, seat #2

by Reid Vanderburgh, MA, LMFT

Earlier this year, I did a presentation for a corporate GLBT employee network. Comprised primarily of GL people, with a sprinkling of openly-B folks, the question the group wanted to address was, “How can we be supportive of people who transition their gender at work?” What I had to say disconcerted them, but they could not doubt my “credentials,” as I’ve checked off every box, at one time or another, that pertains to gender or sexuality. There’s nothing like personal experience to give people pause before they object to what I’m saying.

Before I could answer their overt question, I had to address the question, “What does it mean to be an ally?” Ally status is required before one can truly say, “I will support someone who transitions in my workplace.” I lived 22 years in the “L” community – most of my cohort were definitely not allies to “B” women. Some of the “G” men of my acquaintance today speak dismissively of women and would not make good allies to my long-time “L” friends. Just because a person owns one of the “GLBT” boxes does not automatically confer ally status to people who own different boxes. Ally status requires a willingness to admit, “I don’t know enough about ______,” rather than assuming, “I know all about _______ because of my own experience.” In the realm of gender, everyone has their own experience, but that does not confer automatic understanding of another’s experience.

How often have I heard (and believed) the mantra, “There is no such thing as objective reality. We each create our own subjective reality in every situation we encounter.” However, when I consider gender, do I really believe there is no objective reality? Is gender entirely subjective? Something about this concept makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s my culture showing. Those raised in mainstream U.S. culture need our categories rigid and fixed. If gender is entirely subjective, than it is also entirely fluid and open to definition by every individual. Since I do believe this is the case, then any discomfort I feel is my socialization. The question then becomes, how easily can any of us overcome our socialization? It’s taken me years, and meeting many gender-fluid people, to overcome this discomfort in myself.

It’s a difficult thing to admit, this discomfort. Yet it’s also the elephant in the middle of the room in which any conversation takes place about gender. Mainstream American beliefs about what that “T” looks like are so negative, it’s difficult for me to imagine anyone growing up in this culture completely comfortable with the idea of transgender identity and the concept of transition (Including those who are “T”). Acquiring the comfort is the job of a potential ally. Owning the initial discomfort is a big part of that process. Only by openly talking about the discomfort can it be challenged, deconstructed, such that a new paradigm of gender takes its place, one that allows for the self-definition of gender.

If a co-worker is transitioning, how much easier is it to be an ally if the self-definition of gender is a given? From that perspective, it becomes easy to say, “Congratulations on finding your way to your true self!” It becomes easier to undertake the process of changing names and pronouns for the co-worker, while at the same time taking the mistakes in stride, without embarrassment, as it’s all part of the adjustment process. It becomes easier to ask questions of the person in transition, to learn their gender story – if gender is self-defined, then everyone’s story is unique. Not only will the story be interesting, but it also helps avoid making assumptions.

There is another dimension to considering the subjectiveness of reality, and that is agency. How much agency, free will, does any of us have when we claim the right to define our own identities? I titled this piece “My Life as a Box” because I feel little agency when I am faced with a bureaucratic form that requires I check “Male” or “Female.” A long time ago, I decided I felt “Not-female,” for lack of a better term, rather than “Female” or “Male.” Yet that option is not available on any form I’ve ever seen, nor does it work in the workplace. It does no good to cross out the available categories and write my own. This merely results in confusion for data entry operators, who either call me for clarification (Read: “we need you to choose so we can enter this in the computer”), or edit my form using their best guess as to whether I’m male or female (sic).

I try hard to break free of the box of my socialization, and society fights back through its various bureaucracies, keeping me tied to its pre-defined boxes. What a constant battle! Not only do I fight my own socialization, I also fight the constant reinforcement of the values and definitions of that socialization. No wonder I’m tired!

What would it look like to not engage in the fight any longer? I’ve heard so many activists say, “You’ve got to pick your battles, or you burn out.” In this case, does not fighting mean I’ve given in to my socialization? Not an option, given my beliefs about gender fluidity! Or does it mean I define my socialization as part of my history? I don’t generally like therapist jargon and pop psychology sayings, but I do like “that was then, this is now.” Okay… my socialization was “then,” from the mid 1950’s onward. But what is “now” if not a continuous flow of time from the past to the present moment? Is it possible to disconnect the past from the present, and is this what it means to be freed from one’s socialization?

I don’t think the disconnect is possible – the past exists in memory, which can’t be erased. The trick is to not empower the past to overwhelm the present. After all, we can only live in the present moment. The past only exists in our memories, and the future in our dreams. The boxes of our socialization were created in some past time, by people other than ourselves, and this makes it quite tricky to live in the moment. My goal is to divorce myself from ownership of the boxes themselves. I did not create my own socialization. I had no agency in accepting – or not – the socialization handed me in my childhood. I try to modify the toolset as best I can, but those tools have acquired a fair amount of inertia over a lifetime. Often I find myself having to reshape an attitude or belief again and again, as it keeps trying to morph itself back into my mother’s voice.

I wish it was as easy for me as it is for a computer. Oh, to be so literal and binary! No shades of gray, just dots, either black or white, 0 or 1. How simple! But then… don’t we all find ourselves swearing at our computers at least once a day because they can’t read our minds, because they don’t follow our intuitive leaps? Because they are incapable of thought? Because they are incapable of being without a box. Perhaps I am, too, but at least I can dream of the day. And “perhaps” is not “never.” “Perhaps” is a goal.

by Reid Vanderburgh, MA, LMFT
Visit Reid’s Site for more Info