By Christian Messer Photography by Rosemary Ragusa unless noted

A year ago I knew what went wrong and I knew how to fix it.

A year later, I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.

We had the money. We had a stable campaign. We had the a robust well-oiled field campaign.We had a strong campaign manager. We had the turnout we wanted.We had great coordination between the net-roots and the campaign. We had a not particularly religious state. We neutralized the church issue. We had a manageable voter universe.We had an opposition with an inferior media and field operation. We had TV ads with gay people in them. We responded to their attacks swiftly.

And we still lost… Julia Rosen, Online Political Director,The Courage Campaign

Oregonians knew all to well what Maine LGBT residents were going through last November when voters rejected the law that allow same-sex couples to marry.The pain and agony of Measure 36 all came flooding back.What are we to make of that outcome? Why is Oregon not moving to make gay marriage legal here? Will the same result be replayed with a 2012 vote in Oregon? No…unless we sit on the sidelines.

Fortunately for the Oregon LGBT community, whether you know it or not, there is work being done on getting this done in Oregon, and together, we have three years to hustle and do something about it.We sat down with Jeana Frazzini, Executive Director of Basic Rights Oregon (BRO,) development coordinator for BRO Juan Martinez, and three couples from the community who have married, regardless of law. What we found are inspiring stories of courage, determination, and a strategy by a strong organization that will bring us closer to marriage equality than ever before.

The strategy is as simple as having a conversation and as tricky as confronting friction of opposing views. BRO has launched a campaign that, at its heart, begins with having as many one-on- one conversations as we possibly can. It is unique and right now, the only option we have since our past attempts have failed us.The Martinez v Kulongoski court case (see side panel) that would have circumvented Measure 36, was refused to be heard by the Supreme Court after five long years.

Frazzini explains…
“In Oregon we have our own unique path; we don’t have the opportunity to address the issue in the courts.That door closed to us with the Martinez case being refused by the Supreme Court.We don’t have a legislator that can do this for us, it’s enshrined in the constitution that marriage is between one man and one woman.

So the only way to undo that is with a public vote.The voters are going to have to amend the constitution to create marriage equality.That is something that has not been attempted anywhere in the country; to bring a proactive marriage equality measure will be something new.”

When asked how this approach is different from the past, Frazzini said,“It’s always been on our opposition’s timeline, it’s always been in the heat of having to defend ourselves; whether it was the marriage amendment in 2004 or any of the awful anti- gay ballot measures that faced (surface?) in Oregon for 20 years. This is really the first time where we get to lay the groundwork and do this on our terms.

It’s clear that, for us, to take the time to lay a strong foundation of support, to not rush into a political fight when we know that in order to change people’s hearts and minds, they have to have this space and the opportunity to have heartfelt conversations with the people in their lives about why marriage matters; what it means to care for someone, to love and commit to somebody for the rest of your life, and to do the tough work of changing hearts and minds so that we get to a place where we’ve got the majority of the public in Oregon behind us.”

Changing hearts and minds is the best tool we have and doing it with an all-county approach could give us a victory, a strategy the current administration took to win the presidency.What we gathered from our meeting with BRO is that it will take all of us and our allies stepping out of our comfort zones and possibly going out of town to do the work that needs to be done. Though uncomfortable at times, BRO has proved it can be done. How do you start a conversation with a stranger?

Martinez shared,“Last summer we had the opportunity to knock on doors to have conversations, face-to-face conversations with voters here in Portland, in five counties. I was working in the Metro area here, and it was interesting.

To have conversations with people who come from very traditional religious background saying to me that, ‘Well, marriage is a religious sanctimony…’ and this and that. Just taking the moment to ask them,‘So it sounds like you really care about the ability to take care of your family, to love the ones that you love and to provide for your family any way, shape or form.’

To make that connection, to make them understand that we want the same thing that everyone else has and wholly deserves to have. So it was interesting, they weren’t saying, ‘Leave my doorway,’ they were taking the literature and saying, “You know what, I’m going to think about this. I still hold my position, and I appreciate the conversation.” That was my experience and that is what gives me hope that this educational campaign has what it takes to really change hearts and minds.”

There is no better place to start than your close family and friends.The process however can be bittersweet at times. Rich Mundy and Kevin Long of Portland didn’t get a marriage license in 2004, but they did have a ceremony.With the help of a friend, they used the opportunity to educate their own families. Mundy recalled,

“We had my friend Jan, I asked her to write a little speech about the path that we have taken as gay people, and obtaining equal rights and about marriages. So she started with all the ways you can define marriage, what it used to be about years and years ago.What it was like in the 50’s. It was kind of a way to educate our families.
That, you know, everybody doesn’t have this right.We don’t right now, we’re not really married, because we can’t. But, we’re doing this.That was our way to try and educate them about the situation.”

When asked about their family and if theirs is supportive of their relationship, Mundy said,
“Yes. It took them a while to come around and understand it. Maybe they still don’t understand it, but they’re supportive. Because now they can put a face with who I’m living with and who I’m seeing and he’s in my life. Before, My family lives in Ohio so they really can’t come out and visit. So they didn’t really know who was in my life – they’d hear me talk about certain people. But now they know Kevin and they love Kevin, he’s normal, he’s not some weird freak. (Kevin laughs)

It’s easier for them to accept it, although I don’t know if they still quite understand it. My mother’s 85, she thinks denial is the best way to deal with everything. My dad passed away about 15 years ago, so I didn’t have to deal with it with him.”

Long gave his perspective,

“My family’s very religious, my parents are, not my siblings so much. I think it was, like Rich said, initially they didn’t like what I was. But when they put a face to it and saw what we meant to each other, I think that changes a lot of perceptions.”

Jeff Fisher and Ed Cunningham did get a marriage license in 2004, and scheduled a wedding quickly because the LGBT community didn’t think it would last long.What is telling about their story is what Fisher experienced.“I think one of the things we’ve always told our friends is that having a wedding defines so much in your life that you’re not prepared to have defined,” Fisher explained.

“Because, sh*t happens, it’s bizarre I have had no contact with my parents since our wedding day.Well, no contact with my dad…I’ve had limited contact with my mother. My parents have been incredibly supportive of our relationship for 14 years.At least…that’s what we thought.

When we had been together for 10 years, they basically hosted a party for us. My mom prepared the food, my dad helped with everything. My brother and his wife have always been very supportive, we thought. It was really strange.”

Fisher continued,

“I asked Ed,‘So when are my parents getting into town?’ because he had contact with everybody, I’d been gone. He says, ‘It’s really weird, I haven’t heard from them.’ I thought, this is strange…I picked up the phone and called my parents, my mom answered the phone. I said,‘When are you getting into town?’ She said,‘We’re not.’ I said,‘Why aren’t you coming?’ She replied, ‘Well your father won’t let me.’ I said,‘Put dad on the phone for me.’ She said,‘No, he doesn’t want to talk to you about it.’ ‘Well, tell him to call me when he is ready to talk about it,’ I said. It’s been six years.”

A very unique path was created for Liz Tuttle and Delisse Oritz. We spoke to them by phone. Once residents in Portland and Vancouver, they now reside in Washington D.C.
“The Multnomah marriage thing was early on in our relationship, so we weren’t thinking that big. But we did watch the election closely and were very hopeful. It was two and half years ago that we decided, well… I proposed and we decided to have a ceremony, regardless of what we could do.We were actually living in Washington on the Washington side so we registered as domestic partners there,” Tuttle recalled.

Tuttle’s and Oritz’s work during that time often took them to different parts of the country. Oritz would be in Hawaii and Tuttle would visit when she could.Tuttle worked in various state parks for months at a time. During this period, she was working in California.
“I happened to be working down inYosemite for the summer during that brief period of time when Prop 8 was voted on and but it was still legal.When Delisse came down to visit, we headed to San Francisco and got married there. It just happened to coincide with the celebration we were planning in Portland that November,” Tuttle explained.

Oritz chimed in, “Yeah, it was like I was flying over and she said, “Well, do you just want to go to San Francisco?” I said, “O.K.! Is it legal?” – before all hell broke loose, before November. I did my masters at San Francisco State and some friends, they came over and we went to city hall and had a ceremony. Actually, I should say we got married in San Francisco and had the ceremony in Portland.”

The couple’s story is different certainly unique, but the benefits share a common thread with the other two couple’s stories. Again, we learn that their ceremony had an educational benefit with friends and family. Oritz explained,

“The biggest benefit is more our ceremony than our legal marriage.You know, just having the support of our families and for that recognition. Couples can be around for a very long time. I felt that with the ceremony and the marriage in California, even though it’s only recognized in certain states it was beneficial.”

Tuttle continued,

”Bringing the families totally on board, and friends…I think people walked away from coming to our wedding with a totally new way of looking at marriage. Her family, the people who weren’t as open to the relationship, it really opened their minds instantly. Even though it wasn’t a legal thing…so it’s not really the legal side…the process made everything seem more legitimate.”

For Tuttle and Oritz,Washington D.C. just happened to be the place that met all of their requirements for schools and social issues. D.C. just recently passed a gay marriage law, which, if passed by Congress, their marriage will be recognized from California. Oddly, all the stars seem to align for the couple, with being at the right place at the right time with marriage in San Francisco and now D.C.

As you see from these stories, it can be done. Just from holding a ceremony, even if it wasn’t recognized by law, holds a lot of power and influence.You have tools readily available and BRO has created a site to help you get started.The tools you have right now? Your own stories, and the action steps you will take. These tools (stories) will be used by yourself, BRO, Just Out and id Magazine. Putting a face to the issue makes a massive difference with changing hearts and minds.The evidence is clear that this works, and thankfully we have that as a powerful persuasion tactic.

Our biggest concern is a repeat of Maine, not in losing, but getting wide-spread support from national organizations such as the Democratic Party and HRC. Both of these organizations and their lack of support made the defeat in Maine even more devastating. (We called HRC for comment, but did not receive a call back.) BRO knows that their organization alone can’t find victory in this. Other organizations will be joining them to partner in the campaign.We look forward to speaking with the local Democratic Party and HRC, but it looks like they are on board with BRO and this campaign.

We posed the question to Frazzini,“With the experience in Maine, do you think because it’s a Presidential election that we will have a spotlight on us and we will get that support we need? From HRC or the National Democratic Party?”

“I think that I am concerned at what I understand was the case in Maine, where the organizers on the ground for the National Democratic Party were not engaging in that campaign. It’s something that as we look to build the strongest possible coalition for the work here in Oregon that we’ll be working to build relationships and find ways to partner.Whether it’s with the DNC groups or our partners in Oregon progressive movement more broadly. I will say that we do have strong support within Oregon’s democratic party, there’s already strong support at the state and county level.We’re seeing marriage equality resolutions passed by the boards which is really exciting.”

Frazzini concluded, ”I don’t expect,This has got to be a community effort, there’s not one organization that’s going to take care of this. It’s a community responsibility and that goes for at the organizational level and the individual level. I think we all have a personal responsibility, regardless of how we identify, to right this wrong. I think we will continue to see this effort build and gain momentum and see more visibility for the broad support that the freedom to marry has in Oregon. I think that’s what’s going to get us to a place where 2012 is a realistic time for a ballot campaign.”

We think that gay marriage is the last frontier of civil rights. Our question to you dear reader: What action steps will you take to make this a success? As Frazzini explained, a victory depends not one organization or individual, it will be determined by the caliber in which we take action as a collective force.You can start by going to BRO’s MarriageMattersOregon.org site, sign up to help, or donate.While you’re at it, borrow a web-cam if you have to, record a brief statement by yourself or with your partner on why marriage matters to you.After you’re done, sign the Freedom To Marry Pledge. BRO has several tools there to help you start a conversation, and ways to volunteer and make a difference.Three years may seem like a long time, but don’t be fooled…it will arrive much faster than you imagine, and with your help, we will claim a victory, sidestepping another Maine loss.