Jeff Fisher and Ed Cunningham are a rare breed in many ways and their 20 year relationship is one of them. I’ve known Jeff professionally and personally close to 10 years, first virtually through the web, then I finally met him in person in 2004. He is a graphic design superstar (yes, designers have those,) and has won hundreds of awards and has graced a pluthera of magazines and books. I sat down with both of them to finally get their story, to share with you, and I wanted to now myself after all these years.

id Magazine: How did you two meet?

Jeff: At a bar! We were introduced by someone we both dated…at the Brig. 20 years ago…in February. Our mutual friend Jim introduced us, he (Ed) was with a friend of his who was dragging him off to a party and I was with some other friends. I turned around to a friend of mine and said, “I just met the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.” My friend said, “Oh yeah, right! What’s his name?” And I couldn’t remember his name. So my friends and I would go searching for him, the guy that introduced us left for Europe, so I couldn’t ask him. Every weekend my friends would call and say, “Would you like to look for the cute boy?” and so we would. We never found him.

So Ed, you had a stalker?

Jeff: See! Yes, he tells people that, “I had a stalker.” Later I learned that he would see us in the bars and then just disappear.

Ah…Mysterious…

Ed: I was dating somebody else.

Jeff: But why would you disappear? One night I went to Don Horn’s very first play by myself. I couldn’t get anyone to go with me to this play. I had never met Don before and I walked in and there was this tall tan guy selling tickets, it was right before the show. I bought my ticket, it was packed, scooted in. The tall tan guy came in with this group of women, came up and said, “You! You, the guy who came here by himself – could you move to the single seat in the front row so these women could sit together?” I was totally mortified that I was any place by myself…

Ed: And everybody knew.

Jeff: And everybody knew…”Oh look at the poor guy who can’t get a date!” During the play, the rotating light that was the fire in the fireplace on stage, came off, rolled off the stage and landed between my legs, spinning around like a hubcap, making that noise…I thought, “This is not my night, I shouldn’t have even left the house.” As soon as the lights came on, I got out and was in the car and thought, “I could go to a bar tonight by myself,” which I would never do. I walked into Boxx’s and there he was…and I thought, “Oh what is his name! It’s one syllable, what is it?” Before I knew it, he was right behind and I turned around and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.” He said, “That’s o.k. Jeff, my name’s Ed.”

Ed: Meanwhile, I was delighted I remembered his name…

Jeff: He gave me an invitation to his birthday party that weekend. It had his name, phone number and address! And it was a PITY Invitation! He thought I had seen him handing out invitations to other people. But I didn’t know that. So I get home that night and I wake up all my neighbors to tell them, “I found the cute boy!” and I had an invitation to his birthday party. When I went to the party, the first person I meet is his boyfriend. It’s like, how long do you stay at a party you don’t want to be at? So I thought, I’ll have one beer, I wished him a happy birthday, and I walk into the kitchen to get a beer and Don Horn is standing there. It was like these weird worlds coming together. Just as I left, Ed said, “We should get together and do something sometime.” The boyfriend moved to Hungary. And that was 20 years ago.

We’d been together fourteen years before getting married was an option. We never talked seriously about doing it.

That was my next question – did you discuss what marriage would be like, the benefits etc?

Jeff: Well there would be definite benefits, but I was already recognized as a domestic partner with his law firm. For a firm from conservative Florida, they had really good domestic partner benefits. So that was not an issue. And being married was never really a possibility at that point.

Ed: And I’m not big into formal ceremonies at all. So to do it just for the ceremony sake, I wasn’t interested.

Jeff: But it was odd…we were watching that Gavin Newsom announced that same sex couples could get married in San Francisco…we were watching that on the news on Valentine’s day. I think you said, “If they do that here, I think I’d like to do it.” It was just out of the blue…and I said, “Yeah…me too.”

Then the weirdest thing was when they announced it here in Portland, I started getting these e-mails from friends saying, “It looks like this is going to happen.” I remember getting an e-mail that had been forwarded from Serena Cruz, hinting that it was going to happen. So it happened and I called Ed (laughing…)

And he’s like, “So, you wanna do it?” that was his fancy marriage proposal! “So you wanna do it?”

How in the world did you plan a wedding in four days?

Jeff: He did it! I was gone.

Ed: With the help of a lot of friends.

Jeff: Yeah, we went and got our license the next day in the horrible rain. Everybody was soaked, but it was festive, it was a really festive atmosphere. Ran into lots of friends of ours there, Don Horn and Jeff were there. Just a lot of other couples that we have known that had been together for a long time. So we got our license, he went back to work. I went home to pack to go to Cedar Rapids, Iowa the next day to speak at a conference. He planned everything.

When we ran into Don Horn, we said, “Can we get married in the theater?” because he had “Theater, Theater” at the time. We knew we needed a place were everything would be set up all ready, there’d be chairs, everything just available. And people in line were saying, “If you’re going to do it, you should do it fast, because we don’t know how long this is going to last.” I talked to Don outside the county building, and he said, “How about Sunday afternoon?” So I was gone the next two days.

Ed planned everything…I was getting e-mails saying, “Got the cake…” etc, and all of a sudden it was like, “Oh my God this is really a wedding!” Trying to get a hold of everybody possible. A lot of our friends couldn’t be there because it was so quick, but they understood, if we were going to do it, we needed to do it quick.

I was speaking at the Creative Conference, in Waterloo, Iowa. I told the organizers what was going on and how important this was, and they said, “We’ll get you out of here as soon as you’re done speaking.” They literally had a limo waiting to take me to the airport. But, all the flights were cancelled.

I got to the American Eagle desk and asked the gal there, “Are you serious? All flights are canceled?” She replied, “Yeah…this a huge storm and it has screwed up everything.” I said to her, “I’m getting married this weekend.”

She picked up the phone and she said, “There is one plane that hasn’t left the jet way yet. Start running!” So I’m running down to the gate and I hear over the intercom system, “Jeff Fisher, stop right where you are!” She comes running down to meet me, papers in hand and says, “I’ve got you booked on every flight out of Chicago to Portland!” Three different airlines. I looked at the boarding pass and it wasn’t even mine, it was some woman’s. She told me, “go to the first airline that has a flight out.” I get to Chicago and I go to United’s gate. The guy I go to, is “family” and I say, “I’m getting married this weekend, I need to get on this flight.” he says, “I’ll get you on this flight!”

He calls down to the plane and tells them there’s three more people coming on board and unlocks the jet way. As we’re standing there, the jet way starts to pull away! Someone didn’t get the message. The guy said, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! I can’t get you on first-class, but I can get you in the seat right behind first-class.”

We get on the plane, and two guys come down the isle and say to each other, “I think we’re on the gay wedding shuttle to Portland!” There were all these gay couples. I got home and the next morning was just insane trying to get everything done. Ed had picked out the rings and said, “If you don’t like them we can pick out something else.” I said, “No, this is perfect.” Everything was perfect. We went down to Twist to get champagne glasses, and they told us they had a very busy week with wedding gifts and wedding stuff.

See…that’s the key right there. Talk to all the businesses and show them with facts how great this is for business. You could register at Target!

Jeff: Yes. That’s been the case wherever they have done it. It’s made a huge economic impact in travel, hotels, bed and breakfast, and…everything.

I think one of the things we’ve always told our friends is that having a wedding defines so much in your life that you’re not prepared to have defined.

Because, sh*t happens, it’s bizarre I have had no contact with my parents since our wedding day. Well, no contact with my dad…I’ve had limited contact with my mother. My parents have been incredibly supportive of our relationship for 14 years. At least…that’s what we thought.

When we had been together for 10 years, they basically hosted a party for us. My mom prepared the food, my dad helped with everything. My brother and his wife have always been very supportive, we thought. It was really strange.

I asked Ed, “So when are my parents getting into town?” because he had contact with everybody, I’d been gone. He says, “It’s really weird, I haven’t heard from them.” I thought, this is strange…I picked up the phone and called my parents, my mom answered the phone. I said, “When are you getting into town?” She said, “We’re not.” I said, “Why aren’t you coming?” She replied, “Well your father won’t let me.” I said, “Put dad on the phone for me.” She said, “No, he doesn’t want to talk to you about it.” “Well, tell him to call me when he is ready to talk about it,” I said. It’s been six years.

Then we didn’t hear from my brother and his wife, I didn’t know what that was about. My sister said she wasn’t going to be able to fly up from San Francisco on such short notice. Then that morning, when we were at the theater, I saw somebody walk in through the front door. I couldn’t see who it was but I then realized it looked like Sue, my sister. She had surprised us! Her boyfriend told her, “You have to go.” So she did.

We had a great ceremony, really a lot of fun. About 60 people. Our friends Tim and Kristin officiated it. Their daughter and another friend’s daughter were the ring bearer princesses, with tiaras that we found at Target. The reception was a potluck reception that was fantastic! Everybody brought amazing food. Pat Di Prima from Di Prima Dolce made the cake, a beautiful wedding cake for us. We just had a great time, it was really, really a great time!

(To Ed) And your parents?

Jeff: His parents were there.

Ed: My dad showed up, I didn’t expect my parents to show up.

Jeff: What happened was the reverse of what we expected to happen. Ed’s grandmother wasn’t there but she talked to him about it. It was difficult for her to deal with. But at least she talked to him about it. She’s always been very supportive of us otherwise. It was just that it was a very personal thing to her, and she didn’t feel she could be there, for her own personal reasons. But it didn’t impact our relationship with her at all.

Then Ed gets a call from my brother’s wife at work, wasn’t it? You got a call from Gina, right? (Ed nods yes) She said “they were sorry they weren’t there, but…” didn’t she also say Jerry wouldn’t let her? (Ed nods yes again.) Jerry’s argument…one of the dumbest things I’ve heard…if gay men could wear wedding rings, it devalued his marriage! Isn’t that bizarre?

Yes…Marriage is between two people regardless…

Jeff: Right…like there’s not single people out there wearing wedding rings…it was the weirdest argument I ever heard, and we’ve not spoken to them ever since. So, you don’t know how people are going to react…we had people show up that we didn’t expect to show. Some of our dearest friends were there, one of them…they go to a really conservative church and I think she was a deaconess of the church at the time and had to ask permission to come to our wedding. But they were there.

You just never know. We’ve told this to other people that are going to have commitment ceremonies or weddings, “Be prepared for anything!” And they say, “Oh no, everything is going to be great!” (laughter) It really does define who will support you no matter what…which is kind of nice. For the people that couldn’t be at the wedding, we had a great big reception a couple of months later up at Joy Creek Nursery. So people had a lot of time to make arrangements to be there.

How did you mentally prepare for the possibility that the marriage could be revoked?

Jeff: We weren’t prepared. It was really upsetting when it was overturned. We knew it was a possibility, but we weren’t prepared.

Ed: We really thought that if anything were to change that our marriage would still remain intact. That they wouldn’t undo what had been done.

Jeff: Like what happened in California.

Ed: It was pretty upsetting. Made me mad…

In a way that’s a good thing. I remember in 2004, the day after 36 passed, one of my neighbors just stayed in bed for 24 to 48 hours…it just devastated him that much.

Jeff: It really was devastating, because you’re given the incredible opportunity to really…I don’t know…make your relationship legal and get to do it in front of the people that are closest to you. Then you have the rug ripped out from under you…it’s really bizarre. When it happens elsewhere, I know what those people are going through.

Ed: It just brings out the “F•@k you” in me…(laughter)

Jeff: Another thing that was nice is that his office at the time threw a reception for us. Which was really wonderful. Again, not everyone at the law firm was thrilled about that.

Ed: Not everyone was supportive. The interesting thing is that one of the people who wasn’t supportive, primarily because the “M” word was used? They were at our house last night for dinner. And their children were flabbergasted that she wasn’t supportive. Which was pretty cool. I think now…her point of view would be different.

Jeff: It’ll be interesting to see what happens if this goes on the ballot again, to see how people’s attitudes have changed.

Yes, and there is a lot of work to be done up to that point.

Jeff: Oh yes…a lot of work to be done. I think people have to get over the religion thing. I think it’s odd in a country that’s supposedly separation of church and state, church and state is what defines marriage now, and it shouldn’t. It really should be like the situation in France. Where all unions are civil unions, the marriage is a separate ceremony that is in a church or wherever you want to have it. Keeping things totally separate.

But are the civil unions, do they cover everything that marriage covers?

Jeff: They do – they do cover everything.

Can you tell me an instance or event in your life together where marriage would have been beneficial, but because you don’t have it, you felt short-changed or discriminated against?

Ed: No, but I’m sort of blind to that now. Unless it’s blatantly obvious, I’m not looking for it. I’ve operated under that…for so many years I operated under that, “Well, I’m not treated the same as straight people,” so I’m oblivious to a lot of it. And I don’t want to focus on the negative pieces, that’s not my nature. I’d much rather look for the positive in whatever the situation is, so…don’t focus on the have not’s and focus on the haves.

Jeff: We’ve also been really lucky. In the whole time we’ve been together, you’ve worked for a really good employer that were either at the forefront of it or they just understand domestic partnerships. The one company he worked for, they were named on the best companies to work for in America for gay and lesbian employees. That really makes a difference.

Ed: I’m in a white-collar profession, so, there’s a lot more acceptance in the white-collar than the blue-collar professions.

Jeff: And I’m a really good corporate wife! (laughter) I’ve been complimented on that several times!

There’s not negatives in that sense, I’ve protected myself from having anything like that happening to me personally, because in 1985 I was fired from a job for being gay. So I think I’m very aware of not getting myself into situations where it’s going to be an issue. I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve been openly gay in my work. If somebody doesn’t want to work with me, they don’t have to. What has happened instead is that people have worked with me because of it. I get e-mails like, “I’ve been looking at your work and my brother sings in the Gay Men’s Chorus…” – you know, it’s an introduction and the ones that would have an issue with it just don’t contact me at all, which is fine.

Civil unions, especially in Oregon are not equal to marriage. A guess is that 1,000 privileges and rights are covered in civil unions, and 2,000 plus are covered with marriage.

Jeff: If anything, we’ve had to go through more legal protection issues to make sure things are covered.

Ed: You mean that and some of the stuff we haven’t done yet? (laughter)

Jeff: Right! Some of the stuff we haven’t done yet. I remember during the major part of the AIDS crisis, hearing nightmare stories of families coming in, when one partner had died, and just taking everything. You want to make sure that doesn’t happen.
There are times we have to explain that we’re a couple, they just don’t get it. People do a double take sometimes, when we’re traveling, they don’t understand…I do kind of get a thrill out of introducing Ed as my husband. Especially if it’s going to tweak someone!

Ed: You know…I still like partner better than husband.

Jeff: Doesn’t matter to me…When are you getting married? (more laughter)

After it becomes legal we’ll talk about it. Let’s see, we’ve already covered the religious aspect of the argument.

Jeff: That really bugs me. I don’t understand that argument of same sex marriage devaluing or threatening anyone else’s marriage. The “Sanctity of Marriage” doesn’t work for me at all, with the people who are making the most noise about that.

Yes, the adulterers, and what have you. It’s interesting in all the research we’ve done for this subject…prison inmates, people on death row can get married.

Jeff: Yes – a felon has all their rights taken away, that can’t vote, they can’t do certain things, but they can still get married. To those wacko women who write them!

Are either of you active in the equal rights fight?

Jeff: I’m really good at opening my mouth and getting myself in trouble. You’re kind of being an openly gay business person (referring to Ed.)

Ed: I’m shy away from really public activity. I’m just not…I’m a back office kind of person. I don’t like to be out in front.

More of a producer than a star! (pointing at Jeff when I say star.) (More laughter)

Jeff: But he did head the diversity committee at his old firm. Which was a very interesting thing to be bringing speakers in on a wide variety of topics; to people that have never been exposed to that before. It’d probably be something good to do at your firm now.

Ed: In time.

Jeff: Well, yeah, but I mean the education process is important. The great thing about the firm that he’s at now, is that I had worked with that firm beginning in 1994 doing their design stuff. He went in to do his interview and he said, “I think you know my partner Jeff Fisher.” I knew the major partners of the firm, so they knew what they were getting into.

I know we’re nowhere near typical, but what is a typical day at your home?

Ed: I get up and I hear from the bedroom, “Bitch! Where’s my coffee?” (Laughter)

Jeff: Is there a typical day?

Ed: Yeah… I get up and make the first cup of coffee…(more laughter) No seriously! I get my first cup of coffee, the T.V. is on, I go upstairs and check my e-mail, and do a little bit of work.

Jeff: he’s getting out of the shower, I’m making the second cup of coffee, I kiss him and say, “Honey, have a great day at work!” You know, that’s what’s so funny. Our life is so normal…

Ed: Except for some choices of words!

Oh, I think that’s more normal than you think!

Jeff: We’re really just a more animated version of the Cleavers. I think that surprises people that our life is so normal. We have gay friends that think it’s weird that we have so many
straight friends.