Do Straight People Have to Do This?

By Edward “Ed” Garren, MA, LMFT

Our community (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Trans, Queer) has a lot going on right now. The lingering question of marriage rights, of the right to serve in the Armed Forces without fear, the ongoing storms of constantly having our dignity and humanity questioned and brought to a vote in ballot initiatives loom over our lives as constant unwanted companions. It’s been 32 years since 1977, when Anita Bryant launched the first “Anti-Gay” ballot initiative in Miami Florida, and that 32 years has been marked by dozens of ballot initiatives, most of which our community has lost. The recent loss of marriage in California underscores our status as “half citizens,” they want our tax money, but they don’t want us to be free.

Add those things to the list of the more daily issues like public display of affection, how to address a partner in public (saying “Honey” out loud in the store) and our significant numbers who are married to women, but seek “NSA action” on the side, and it’s easy to demonstrate that our lives are more complicated than those who live in the mainstream.

I believe that all gay men grow up and live in a constant state of fear. Fear of discovery, fear of rejection, fear of physical violence, the list goes on and on. Many of us can “pass” for straight, but the constant fear of being discovered never really goes away. That constant fear significantly affects our self-esteem and our ability to fight back against those who want us to shut up and go away.

In my private practice, as well as in the social services agencies I’ve worked in, the story is always the same, smart handsome men, who work very hard to “fit in,” often at the cost of our own sense of self, who wonder why we feel empty inside and either self medicate with drugs and alcohol, and/or are taking prescribed anti-depressants. A recent story on ABC News centered on how the use of Anti-Depressant drugs in this country has doubled in the last decade. How many of us have swelled those numbers?

At the height of the HIV plague, before there were the current medicines that slow down the progress of the virus, two actions groups emerged among the dying, those who knew they had only a couple of years left to live.

The first was “Act Up,” with it’s mantra, “Silence equals death / Action equals life.” The second was “Queer Nation” whose slogan was “We’re Queer, We’re here, We’re fabulous, Get used to it.”

I lived in Los Angeles at the time, and one of the direct impacts of these two movements was the explosion of gay men and lesbians into mainstream media. Basically, closeted men who had led quiet and comfortable lives working as producers and directors, lost patience with the status quo and decided to rock the boat before they died. Their actions led to the emergence of gay characters in virtually every aspect of media, television, film, etc. These people decided to go out with dignity, instead of quiet patience that somehow “things would change” on their own.

So now I’m living here in Portland and the status quo includes such attributes as “patience,” “understanding” and being orderly and reserved. People want change, but seem to think that someone else will make it happen, not us.

And I have a steady stream of people in my practice who have been depressed for years.

In this day of anti-depressant drugs, and the belief that depression is “a chemical imbalance in the brain” a couple of basic truths have been lost. The first is that depression is “anger turned inward.” If we can’t express our anger when we are being assaulted (physically or emotionally) then we “stuff it” and get sick, physically, mentally, or both.

The second truth is that if you torment an animal repeatedly, its brain chemistry WILL become imbalanced in order to accommodate the ongoing torment. Part of that accommodation is to create a defense mechanism that makes it okay to live in fear.

We have become experts at denying some basic, and very liberating truths about who we are. We also have a very hard time fighting back, which is the most exhilarating and liberating thing any of us can do.

I have a very simple question I ask myself whenever I need to decide how to deal with a situation that involves my dignity. “Do “straight” people have to do this?”

If the answer is “No,” then I don’t do it either. Life is to short too spend it in half misery, being a half person, in a half world, so that the people who hate us can continue to feel comfortable hating us.

*Ed Garren is a psychotherapist in private practice. He has been a Social Justice activist all of his life. In 2008, he ran for Portland City Commission, seat #2