By Mike Hunt

My lover has email communication with her ex on an (almost) everyday basis. I know this because she and I share a computer. She doesn’t delete incriminating information, or always close her email accounts. She says that there is nothing going on, and that there won’t be in the future. She says that I am overreacting. I feel hurt and we argue often because she plays down the frequency and meaning of their communication. I am considering leaving the relationship over this.

An ex can become a great friend and an ally. There is a wealth of opportunity for continued intimacy. On one hand, I can see how this intimacy could be seen as a threat, but she’s not lying about her friendship. She is not communicating like you might communicate, but she is allowed to be her own person, isn’t she? Cheaters will typically go out of their way to hide evidence, especially on a shared computer. I think this has way more to do with you being controlling. She is obviously not telling you what you want to hear, which is that you want her communication with the outside world to be on your terms.

Consider the possibility of her not being up to anything covert, instead of the dramatic creation of her running away with her ex. You know that she is having this correspondence, and you should be grateful and satisfied being in the know, yet you don’t trust her. I will assume that you have been reading her emails? If this is the case, consider making good on your threat to leave; for the both of you.

My partner and I have been together for two years. He is in very good shape and has a youthful outlook, so I had no idea that he was nearly twenty years older than I when we first got together. He is handsome and romantic and we have a lot of fun together. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. He is very loving when talking about the subject, but he refuses to consider marriage or talk about our future in depth at this time.

Your partner is twice your age. You have never been his age, but he has been your age before. A night of dancing can be hell on the knees when you are older. Hanging out with your friends, assuming that they are around your age, can feel incredibly stifling. Being seen as Daddy by that group, could make him feel twice the age he is now. References to TV shows or music that was popular when he was younger will bring blank stares, as will a candid discussion about how best to re-arrange the retirement 401k after the economy begins to recover. You can laugh all of this off, but he will not get the joke.

Though I believe that age difference is a lesser problem than a difference of economic class, it is still a big issue. It sounds like he really loves you, but I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about further commitment. Although this may change in the future, his being conservative is actually allowing you both the opportunity to grow. He is being realistic, by staying safely in the here and now. You will both benefit from this experience, and you can certainly benefit from the freedom you are being offered.

And there is no timeline on love… What’s your hurry?

He will get older, frailer and most likely die before you. This is reality. Even the statement “the rest of my life” takes on a new meaning above the age of forty. You likely have no concept of what this will be like, nor do you need to right now. By forty, I had done all of things I said I’d never do at the age of twenty-five. I had no concept of just how much I would change. I have a sneaking feeling that when I am sixty, I will look back and see just how much I didn’t know at forty.